In my work with both children and adults I have found that many of their personal and relationship problems can be traced to the kind of attachment which they have to others. In many cases people have had a childhood or experiences as they grew up in which they were not able to form trusting, safe relationships with others. Many times, this results in difficulty in forming close, stable relationships such as marriage or even close, long-lasting friendships.

When I work with attachment issues the most important feature of the therapy is to provide a safe, secure environment in which the client feels truly heard. Many clients will find it difficult to trust the fact that they can talk openly about their fears, their desires and their hopes and that they will not be rejected or judged. I encourage clients to examine their past relationships and the relationships which they have around them in the present and to explore these - to experiment - and see what their concerns are as they attempt to form more stable trusting relationships that are meaningful and satisfying.

There is a huge literature available if you want to study this field. Some of the most recent writing deals with the ways in which the infant's brain is actually affected by the kind of attention and caring which it receives from the adults (usually the mother) who raise it. This is an exciting branch of neuroscience - the new frontier which unites psychology, neurology and those who study the chemistry of the brain.

What is attachment?

Attachment is an instinctual drive that is found in all forms of life. For children, it is the most important need; even more important than hunger. Babies have to be attached before they can be fed.

Attachment is the context for raising children. It is like the umbilical cord that keeps the child attached to the responsible adults in his/her life and it has a force which creates the closeness necessary so that the child feels connected, valued and special.

Attachment allows for dependence. It provides the energy to keep adults in a place of feeling responsible to move any road blocks out of the way of the child’s natural development.

When attachment needs are sufficiently met, young children are ready to emerge as individuals but only for very short periods of time. This means that if the parents are in the same room with the child and the child is feeling fulfilled (sufficiently attached), the child may spontaneously start to play with his toys or create a picture by himself without any direction. This process is called emergent play and it is the beginning of creativity.

For adolescents this time of preparing for emergence as an individual is more intense. In this time of vulnerability, adolescents naturally become morose or melancholic, wanting to be alone more often to carefully consider: their own thoughts and feelings and who they are in relationship with the world and with others. During this time of withdrawal, parents often work hard at trying to make their adolescent cheer up rather than reassuring them that this time of sadness is a natural part of the process of growing up.

Becoming an individual with her own thoughts, feelings, and opinions grows from this place of sadness or grief. Once personal individuality is accepted, adolescents or young adults are then able to experience their separateness from the individuality of others. Integrating into society without the loss of self is maturation and it inevitably takes many years to accomplish. It is done best within the context of attachment to those adults who are responsible for the growth and development of the young person.

Children and adolescents need to be attached to parents, grand-parents, child-care providers, and teachers. At present we are pushing our children to integrate into society before they have roots of attachment and before they have reached the developmental stage in which they can be both separate and together with others.

Social development cannot be forced by having children relate to children; in fact, it can wither. Children need to have strong attachments with adults who are responsible for them so that they can rest in the natural evolution of development.

Parents are responsible for their relationships with children.

Click here for a 14 minute Flash movie "Neufeld in the Schools". This is based on interviews with four of the teachers who were involved in the Sherwood evaluation.


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