"School Start-up"

In September, your child may be entering school or child-care. For some, this will be the beginning of another year. For others, this will be the first time they will experience a significant separation from their adult care-givers. For many of these children the experience will be - in a word - wounding. Woundedness results when an immature child is without a responsible adult to keep her safe.

Attachment acts as a shield around the child. It keeps him or her emotionally safe and makes it possible to withstand a variety of stresses: new settings, new peers, new regulations and teachers. Without the shield of attachment the child is vulnerable, feels lost and insignificant.

Over the past several decades parents have been encouraged to push their children towards independence. "Attachment" has been seen as the basis for dependence and the argument has been made that dependence will somehow stunt the child's emotional growth. Actually, nothing could be further from the truth. As parents, we need to foster, not eliminate dependence. The more the child depends on us, the safer their world feels. Our job should be to do everything possible to help our children to feel safe with responsible adults when we can't be around.

When our child enters school we have a perfect opportunity to bridge the gap from attachment at home to attachment in the classroom. We can provide something which will remind the child of us: a picture of the child and parent in a locket or wallet; a note tucked into a lunch box which reminds the child our love; an unexpected treat in the school bag. The specifics don't really matter. What matters is that we do something which reminds the child of his or her connection to us.

We can also make a point of passing "the baton of attachment". We can arrange to meet the teacher before school starts and we can demonstrate that we are comfortable and friendly with the teacher through eye contact, smiling and nodding to the teacher while our child watches. If we are safe and connected to the teacher, our child will feel comfortable.

We can also be watchful - both at home and at our child's school - for separation based discipline. "Time-outs" were designed for parents not children! When we use a time-out we are saying, "I don't want you around until you behave properly". Children cannot make the link between their behaviour and whether or not they can remain emotionally safe with their parent or with their teacher. They ask, "Why should I trust this adult who without any reason that makes sense to me detaches from me - sends me away - leaves me alone and vulnerable?". Replace other alarm based discipline such as warnings, threat, intimidation, 1-2-3 magic with simple rules, structure and routine will invite good behaviour and reduce feelings of separation.

The more time and effort we put into cultivating attachment with our children the greater their ability to cope with times when they must be away from us. Without a strong attachment even small challenges can become overwhelming; with attachment in place the child is able to develop more fully and completely.

Copyright, 2010 by Susan Dafoe-Abbey. Permission to use this material, either in English or in translation, for educational purposes is hereby granted.