"Separation and the Attachment Brain:
Ages 2-10"

Child development and attachment theory is the understanding of how parental interactions with their children influence the developmental pathways pre-wired in the brain. The mind develops as the genetically programmed maturation of the brain responds to ongoing experience.

Attachment experiences enable children to thrive and achieve an adaptive capacity for balancing their emotions, thinking and empathic connections with others. The latest work in neuroscience suggests that attachment relationships are likely to promote the development of the integrative capacities of the brain.

Dr. Gordon Neufeld’s work in child development psychology and attachment points out that the brain is designed to take care of the development of the fundamental foundations for normal development. We as parents just need to provide the context for development to take hold.

How do we do this? By holding our children in close proximity to us and by providing interactive and reflective experiences we begin the process of putting down the roots of attachment. Protecting children from the experience of separation that they are not yet ready to experience or helping children to experience their feelings of alarm when separation is unavoidable. Unfortunately, being laughed at, picked on, not being chosen for the hockey team, rejection, mommy going to work (and the list goes on) are all part of life’s experiences.

Attachment to us, the parents makes our children less vulnerable. A child who is attached to and therefore dependent on their parent(s) can withstand taunts, exclusion, not being chosen, even being shamed and ridiculed. However, dependency has been a dirty word in our culture. We have been socialized to believe that successful parenting is growing independent kids. On the contrary, the longer our children can depend on us to take responsibility for them, the better protected they will feel. Inside this womb of protection and security, children can rest and developmental growth naturally unfolds to reveal the blossom of our commitment.

There are resolutions to separation anxiety. Many of you are probably saying to yourselves, my child is so strong and has no problem with new situations. The problem with seeing our children as having power and strength is that we could miss how much they truly need us.

We as parents can protect our child as long as possible from sensing his or her inherent insecurity by not showing movies that have something bad that happens to the characters. Disney movies are often constructed on the theme of separation.

Replacing alarm based discipline such as warnings, threats, raising the voice, intimidation,1-2-3 magic and time-outs with simple rules, structure and routine will solicit good behaviour and reduce feelings of separation.

Entry into child-care or the school system is a time of high separation anxiety for both parents and children. Taking time to meet the teacher before school starts and demonstrating attachment behaviours such as eye contact, smiling and nodding to each other in front of our child paves the way for passing the baton of attachment. Research will get underway early this fall (2007) to test the effectiveness of taking a match-making approach with teachers at school entry.

We can also start with separations that are easy to face like spending time in a reading group while mommy and daddy watch from across the room. Demonstrating our own confidence in the child that s/he can handle the separation increases the likelihood that the child will settle in with the group, knowing that we are nearby.

As parents we can also help our children to develop other ways of holding on to us while they are at school or in a child-care program. A small article of our clothing, a special symbol of our love, a picture of us together can be attachment replacements that are sometimes enough to help a child to start a new activity without mommy or daddy.

Gently and gradually helping our child to come to terms with something they can’t have or where loss is unavoidable will involve allowing our children to have their tears. It is important that we not get in the way of these tears since they are the brain’s way of helping our children to become resilient.

With this carefully created context of attachment, children are able to develop the courage to endure the feelings of alarm while still being able to go for what it is that they want to do (perhaps going to a gymnastics class or playing soccer in an organized league).

Holding us close is a pre-eminent need of our children. It is stronger than hunger. Parents are the active sculptors of their children’s brains. Family experiences create shape, depth and breadth in the developmental neural pathways.

August 25, 2007

Copyright, 2010 by Susan Dafoe-Abbey. Permission to use this material, either in English or in translation, for educational purposes is hereby granted.